im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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