It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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