The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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