Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
