the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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