Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
