i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
