I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
