My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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