Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
nutella sex= disaster
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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