I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
