Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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