It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i now understand why vodka
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
