Can i not drive my cunt home
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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