Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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