bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
