We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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