1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
