i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize