I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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