The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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