Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
