I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
