at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
