I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
