On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
