Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
