Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
