sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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