So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
