I could make wine with my vomit
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
