She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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