you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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