just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
