hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
