I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
