Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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