In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
