Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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