I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
