mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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