I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
