My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
