Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
