the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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