her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
