Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
