She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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