I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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