i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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