Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
