here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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