The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dignity is for republicans.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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