Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Floor bacon is actually really good
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
