fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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